I really am.
My mom and I had a discussion not that long ago about me. Depression runs in my family to a ridiculous extent. I know for myself that I've struggled with it for years. I've always been afraid to get diagnosed for it though; more out of fear than anything. I don't want to be on drugs for the rest of my life. But, there are some days when I think that would be better than what I'm dealing with at the moment.
As y'all know from reading my sad dating history that dating hasn't been a part of my life in a long time. I'm usually okay with that, especially now that I've gotten out on my own and am...free. But, there are days when it really, really sucks. It makes me wonder what it is about me that turns men off.
I know I'm not perfect. I'm heavier than I should be. I'm also tall. And smart. But, you would think there would be that ONE man out there who was actually into me. *sigh* Moving to Michigan has been a bit depressing. Detroit is going thru a serious depression. The men who are available are either in jail, just out of jail or going into to jail. I'm over exaggerating, but not by much.
It wasn't much better in Portland where so much of the male population was gay. Some days I wonder if I will EVER find the right man for me.
Getting married isn't really a priority for me, but I would like to have at least one blazing love affair in my lifetime. With the way things are going, I don't think it'll be in my lifetime. Maybe I need to travel around the world to find that guy. It would be nice if I had the funds to do so, but I think it's pretty unlikely to happen anytime in the near future.
I know, I know, I'm such a pessimist. Shame on me. :( Sometimes I think a woman is allowed to feel that way. It's been five years since I've been on a date or been kissed or...well, anything. Sad, huh?
5 comments:
Humans aren't always happy. There are times when we are up and times when we are down. One can be depressed without being clinically depressed IMHO.
Maybe...maybe this is something to mention to your doctor. And maybe rather than drugs (which at the right time and for the right person are necessary) what you need is someone who can help you work through things. A psychotherapist for example. Four years in and I realize how far I still have to go. And maybe that future won't include a relationship. Sometimes (like now) that thought makes me want to cry. Other times I can't see myself letting anyone that close to me because I'm so closed off. And that's where the psychotherapy comes in. Just a thought. Something to think about. Good luck with whatever you decide :) *hugs*
Have you been reading my diary? I could almost swear I wrote that. Except for the Detroit and Portland parts. :-p~~
But seriously, you know I've struggled with the same things...wondering what's wrong with me. Why can't anyone love ME? Am I just hideous and gross? Or what?
This is the part where I wish I could say, "But then I realized that there's nothing wrong with me and.." you know, "blah, blah, I'm awesome and men are stupid."
But I haven't figured that out yet. I STILL wonder what's so disgusting about me that NO ONE (other than pervs who think I should be easy cause I'm fat) wants me.
But here's where I WILL say (in all honesty)...From what I know about YOU, Bridget, you ARE awesome. And I hope that someday you see how amazing you are and find that perfect someone who recognizes it, too. (((hugs)))
Oh, and you know that that I posted on Twitter about the guy my friend wanted to introduce me to on Facebook? Yeah. He's never responded. So...yeah. I'm not freaking out anymore but now I'm all, "He saw my profile pic and ran the other way" disappointed. LOL
Not sad. I never went on many dates at all. Ever. I got married to a guy I 'hung out' with. My second and much happier marriage started with actual dates. But before him. I dated guys, but it was always more of a phone dating and meeting up with other people. Not really true dates. Except for a few times in high school. So doesn't count. Esp when you're getting dropped off by your 'rents.
Pity parties are totally normal. We all do them. Just do it and move on. Can't let it get you down.
Especially when you've worked so hard, and you have! to get where you are right now. You have a good job, one you like much more than the last. Your debt is down, and you live on your own again. You're rocking it, girl! You did it. Enjoy that feeling.
Its the human tendency that we never get satisfied with the one we have...Thank you for sharing the truth about life.
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